Give Me Closure

Different people take different things in degrees of significance when they are in a love relationship.

Sometimes what appears very important to one partner may not be as important to the other partner, and no intention to hurt that person was present.

If you are in a love relationship, do you know what your partner would consider “important” in words and actions from you? Do you know – for yourself – what you personally would consider “important” in words and actions from your partner?

That said, a cornerstone of a true partnership is for both persons to know clearly what the other person sees as “significant” or “important”, and even if the partner doesn’t necessarily agree with or feel the same way about it. One partner, out of commitment and honor to the other partner, would respect those areas and make an effort. That is what people do as part of “Love” – the hard things, not just the easy things.

In my past disagreements with my partner, it is often a matter of difference in opinion about what is “important” and “meaningful”. Often it is also one person not knowing what exactly to do in order to fulfill that feeling of meaning for the partner.

Then there are things that one person cannot meet the other’s expectations of, and then there’s a choice to be made – whether to change / revise expectations or make expectations irrelevant via another decision.

Because nothing usually changes when we just sit around, complaining and feeling hurt.

Book Review/Woman/A practical guide to loving the skin you’re in/author Jackie Christie

Jackie Christie’s book, Woman: A Practical Guide to Loving the Skin You’re In, is true to its title as a practical book. Christie delivers a broad scope of topics relevant to a woman’s total self care with bullet lists, action items, and a concise format.

Christie’s book ambitiously covers subjects that warrant books in themselves, including Self Love (Chapter 1), Inner Peace (Chapter 3), Nutrition (Chapter 7), and Exercise (Chapter 8). Her conversational tone helps readers feel comfortable about asking questions like how to make their butt look smaller or their boobs look bigger, questions that Christie answers in the chapter on Fashion (Chapter 5). Her no nonsense tips for minimizing the derriere or maximizing the anterior are balanced with advice on positive self-perception. Christie shares quotes and poetry that celebrate women throughout her book. Maya Angelou’s “Phenomenal woman” is one of my favorite contemporary poems and words that I’ve found to transcend cultural lines to inspire.

Up until this point I didn’t know of Jackie Christie or her reality TV show, and Christie’s personal hand-written note thanking me for reviewing her book made a good impression in my mind. For me, this simple action shows that Christie’s behaviors are congruent with her positive message, which is important. Too often we have celebrity authors who advise one way but behave another. I like it when the author comes across as a nice person both in the book and in real life.

This book aims to help women “get their groove back” by loving the skin they’re in, but I wasn’t clear on the situational types that this book is meant for. Are we talking about women who just got divorced or broke up from a long term love relationship? Moms who are reentering the work place now that their children have grown? If this book is meant to help them, then part of the solution may be to address the causes of why women “lose their groove” and deny themselves love and respect.

Additionally, this book has heavy cultural emphasis, and this was reflected in the chapter on Inspirational Women with a large percentage of African American women role models. I’d have liked to know more from Christie her personal stories around each role model – what specifically made her choose each person – which would then compensate for the cultural bias that may preclude some women from reading Christie’s book.

I think Christie’s book may be helpful for young women who are blossoming into their adulthood and are looking for a handy guide to take care of themselves. Christie’s book can help young women be aware
of the many aspects of femininity and how to honor and care for themselves, from physical to spiritual to emotional dimensions.

Reviewed by Jane Chin.

What do you do when you don’t want someone your life anymore?

It depends on why you don’t want that person in your life, I suppose.

You may have grown apart in values. What you find important now may not be important for the other person. What you both used to find important may no longer be important to you.

Sometimes people we don’t want show up in our lives to teach us how to say “No, Thank You” or to have the courage to walk away. There is a line between acknowledging people as tacit teachers who “test” you so you can grow, and staying in a dysfunctional relationship because you lack the courage to make a clean break.

This break doesn’t have to be permanent. Both of you may grow to a point where it is possible to resume a healthy and respectful relationship.

Sometimes people we don’t want show up in our lives to teach us that we may semiconsciously think we don’t want them, but we actually do, for our own reasons. We may not always be aware of our own reasons. I find outside teachers very helpful in this situation. These outside teachers can help us see possibilities of why we are still holding onto the person, or even the idea of a person. That’s right – you can have unwanted people “show up” in your dreams; not just in your waking life.

Sometimes people we don’t want show up in our lives because we are giving them something they want, and they have great incentive to stick around to get more of what they want. In friendships where I find the other person constantly negative, I reflect and see that I act as a venting outlet willingly. So I take part in encouraging that behavior.

Those people who know best how to push our buttons tend to root out those dark places and make us feel very uncomfortable. It’s hard to feel thankful to the other person when we’re busy holding ourselves back from figuratively shaking them, but afterward I usually see something about myself that I was supposed to learn.

Image by Flávio Takemoto