John’s “Overcoming a Broken Heart” first began with a recent break-up experience of his friend, who grew apart from his girlfriend and knew that a separation was inevitable, but the pain was still devastating. Then John related his personal break-up experience, and how the well meaning words of friends and family members were nice to hear but provided little comfort to the hurt he felt in his heart. This is John’s poignant comparison of a broken heart:
Throughout my life I had previously lost a very close family member, a couple of my friends had died, I had lost my job before, I had periods when I had no money but none of these depressing events even came close to having my heart broken. It felt as though I had my heart ripped out of my chest and the more I analyzed the situation the more I came to the conclusion my life was doomed and I could see no way out of the infinitely deep whole I was in.
I really enjoyed John’s article because he doesn’t sugar coat the reality of the hurt that you feel when your heart breaks. John also realized that he couldn’t avoid or run away from the pain, and that he needed to decide to want to feel better, one incremental step at a time. In order to let time heal wounds of the heart, we have to be give time the benefit of our patience, which is always easier said than done.
Dr. Hal describes how changing your self-talk from “because of” to “in spite of”, you can gain a level of closure with loved ones that can heal decades of hurt. In this case, Dr. Hal worked with a woman whose parents have deceased. This situation is one where she could only get symbolic closure, because her parents have died. She could not otherwise get another form of closure from her parents, whom up to that point she did not believe loved her.
Children who had their hearts broken by parents who didn’t have the benefit of “parenting 101″ often carry that hurt well into their adulthood, and this hurt shapes their relationship with others, including their spouses and children. In addition to changing the words you use in your self-talk as Dr. Hal described, you may also consider writing a letter to yourself in the perspective of your parent(s). Years ago, when I was sorting through emotional issues with my mother, with whom I was not speaking at the time, my husband wrote a “healing letter” to me from the perspective of my mother. The letter said all the things I wished my mother had said to me. Even though I knew he was the author, I was amazed at the ability of the words to heal holes in the my heart that I had been carrying for many years.
Until next time, wishing you well.
Jane
