Rejection is seen as one of the biggest downsides to dating. Ask anyone who’s been on the dating merry-go-round for some time and they’ll be sure to say that being bumped, dumped or just plain turned down by a potential partner is a hard hit to take.
In fact, that all too human fear of rejection is one of the main reasons many people never date at all. Were you to quiz one of these people on why they don’t ask someone out or join an online dating site, they might give you answers like ‘I’m too busy with work, I don’t have time’ or ‘I’m pretty fussy about who I date’ or some other malarkey.
Truth is, these people used to date – they probably received a few rejections, took them to heart and swore off the dating scene forever.
The thing is, this is a completely natural reaction. Humans have a strong need to feel secure and comfortable. Having that security threatened in some way can be a very confronting experience, and it often leads to fear – fear what might happen and fear of that awful confronting feeling coming up again. So what do we do? We make damn sure to avoid those kinds of situations that makes us feel insecure.
Rejection in general life is tough and unpleasant. Ever missed out that great job, or been knocked back for a dream apartment? Most of us would know all about how disappointing those kinds of rejection can be.
But being rejected by another person, especially someone in whom you are romantically interested, can be devastating. It’s hard enough being turned down flat right at the introduction stage or after one or two dates. Getting the big fob-off a few weeks or months into a new relationship, just when you think things are going swimmingly, can be absolutely devastating.
The good news is rejection doesn’t have to be that way. It is entirely possible to kick your fear of rejection well into touch, to drain it of all its power and meaning and leave it impotent and unable to harm you.
The most important thing to understand is that rejection is nothing in itself. It’s the fear of rejection that holds all the cards – if you let it. Being rejected by someone says so much more about them than it does about you, and you often have no idea of the real reason behind their choosing to act that way.
But if you let the fear of rejection rule your decisions and actions – or lack of action, as is so often the case – that’s when the damage is done. Fear of rejection fuels procrastination, which prevents you from doing things and accepting opportunities that can open so many other doors.
It’s that fear that stops people dating, or stops them acting naturally when they do summon up the courage to date. And if you don’t act naturally, other people will see that and treat you differently because of it – so the fear kicks off a vicious circle that can be hard to escape from if you buy into it too much.
Treat your dating experiences as a learning curve. Accept that you’re not going to feel a connection or spark with every person you date, and that it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you, and you will be well on the way to conquering the demon of rejection.
Dave Steffens is a successful webmaster who runs www.datingonlinecanada.ca. If you are looking for free dating advice or online dating sites Canada then you have to give this site a try.
