Breaking up with someone is never easy. No matter how gentle or kind you try to be, chances are you’re going to hurt the person you’re breaking up with. The truth is, there is no way to get around the hurt, but you can break up with someone with respect and integrity. Here’s how:
Be Sure.
Be sure that you really know that you want to break up with the person you are dating. Once you break up with someone, it should be final. Being wishy-washy or breaking up and getting back together over and over hurts way more than a clean break. Plus you don’t want to give them false hope that things will work out.
Plan it out.
Most times when we break up with someone, we try to be vague, so as not to hurt their feelings. You might think saying, “It’s not you, it’s me,” sounds nice, but depending on how long you’ve been together and what the reasons are for your break-up, she might deserve more than that. Decide how much you want to tell her and how much you’re going to keep to yourself.
Don’t Lie
You don’t have to be totally honest. If you’ve met someone else, if you were cheating on him, these are things he probably doesn’t need to hear. But, if he’s going to find out anyway, he might as well hear from you. You’re not going to be able to stop him from getting mad, if that is his reaction. If you did cheat on him or deceive him in some way, let him have his feelings. Admit your mistakes and say you’re sorry, but only if you’re sincere.
Give them space.
After a break-up people need time to heal. You may feel like you just lost your best friend and you want to stay friends, but the truth is, you were more than friends. If your end goal is to be friends once again, you need to let some time and space go by. If the relationship was longer than a year, you probably need at least six months before the two of you can even try to be friends. After the break up, don’t call her just to say hi, to tell her the funny thing that happened at work that you know only she will get. These are the kinds of things you’re going to have to give up when you break up with a partner. Eventually you may redevelop the kind of relationship where you share your day-to-day struggles and triumphs, but that time is not now.
Be Open to Some Processing.
Giving them space doesn’t mean you can’t get together once or twice to process what has happened. But be careful here and don’t overdo it. The processing can be a way to hold onto the relationship. Especially if it was a long-term relationship, getting together to talk things through can be helpful for both of your growth. It might be good to do this with a therapist—especially if you have already been in couple’s counseling.
Although every relationship is made up of two people who each contribute to its success and failure, do your best not to blame her. Try to talk about what didn’t work for you. Use “I” statements and try to avoid the word “but.” Even if the problem is serious, if she has a drug or alcohol problem or is jealous and controlling, say something like, “I’m not happy. It’s time for me to move on.”
Three Big Don’ts.
Don’t break up over a text message, voicemail or email. Unless you live long distance or have only communicated through technology, break up with him in person. Unless you don’t feel safe, it’s best not to do it in a public place. Honor his privacy and meet him somewhere where you won’t make a scene.
Be clear.
She should know when you walk away that what happened is you broke up with her. Don’t say you want a trial separation if you know in your heart you’re through. Sometimes you may even have to use the word “break-up” to get your message through. She may be in denial and hope for reconciliation if you don’t.
Heal.
Even though you are the one doing the breaking up, this is going to hurt you too. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself time to mourn.
About the Author: Chris Juneau is a highly sought after dating expert. He frequently writes for dating blogs, including Datingsite.org and Christiandating.org.
